Feel the fear...

I have to admit, I had a great time writing my last post. It was interesting (for me anyway!), to reflect back on the different high, and low, points of wedding planning so far.

But there were a couple of omissions in the list – one by mistake and one on purpose. The stage I missed out by mistake I'll write about here. (The one missed out on purpose is actually a topic I've wanted to blog about for a while, so I'll save that until next time.)

So which stage did I forget to include? I can't quite believe I did forget it, because it was the stage that was the most terrifying of all, and actually spurred me to start writing this blog in the first place. We'll call this...

The fear

'The fear' kicks in pretty soon after 'The thrill' (telling all and sundry that you got engaged) and rapidly develops as you try and fathom out what the devil you're supposed to be doing to plan this wedding.

You swiftly realise that you have no idea whatsoever. So you desperately replay in your mind everything that you can remember from the weddings you've been to and come up with precisely this:

1. You have no idea what goes on during the ceremony bit. 
2. You can't recall much about the receptions, except one of them had a really nice dessert.
3. All the DJs sounded the same.
4. You have no recollection about anything else.

Okay, so relying on memory is a no-go. So, next stop: the internet. You start poring over wedding websites and blogs, each promising "amazing inspiration" and "helpful planning tools". Great!

But it's overwhelming. Every last wedding detail is apparently utterly essential – and there seem to be millions of them. There are even words and phrases you've never heard of before: boutonnière, bonbonniere, cathedral train, finger-tip veil... The list goes on and on and on, and pretty soon insomnia sets in as you try and make your brain absorb it all and somehow figure out where to start.

At the time it seems impossible. However, as my blog omission proves, you will forget how crazy that initial period was, and wedding planning will actually become quite enjoyable at times. You may even start to feel like a bit of a wedding planning master!

Though you sincerely hope you never have to repeat the experience...

This much I know...

I've never blogged before this. I don't make it known it to people who know me in real life and I've only publicised it once (discreetly!) in cyber space. My blog stats tell me I have a handful of readers, and I've no idea if any of them have actually read any of my posts.

But that's cool. I started the blog purely as a way to vent, and the blog title was very much a reflection of how I felt at the time. And many, many times since. Panicked. Overwhelmed. Not about being engaged or being married. But just the actual, huge process of planning a wedding day. (Just a day, for goodness sake! It's crazy…)

I also started writing this blog because I wanted a record of this time of planning our wedding – I figured it would be cool to look back on how I was feeling in the run-up to becoming a married woman.

With that in mind, in a contemplative moment earlier today I realised that I've passed through a fair few stages since he popped the question. So here's my take on the roller-coaster ride (so far) of being a bride-to-be:


The euphoria 
The moment arrives and you are the happiest girl in the world. He's asked the question you've been waiting for and you want to shout "YES!" from the rooftops. You can't shout, though, because you're welling up and you just have to kiss and kiss and kiss him. Beautiful.

The thrill 
You start telling people: your family, your friends, your co-workers. The inevitable Facebook status update. You feel like you have champagne bubbles bursting out of you all the time. And you can't stop staring at the ring.

The assumptions 
You realise, without knowing it before, that you have certain strongly held opinions about getting married. You assume your H2B probably feels the same, but, oops, actually he doesn't. So then there's that delicate period of trying to get what you want negotiation. For us two, this is summed up as me: "let's get married in church followed by a big party"; him: "not bothered about the God thing, don't see the point in spending too much money". (I got my way, but there have been many times when I've wished he had.)

The date 
The first big thing you have to sort is the date. You know this because as soon as you tell people you got engaged, the first thing they ask is: "Have you set a date?". It gets old, quickly. So what date? You always fancied getting married in September, but he asked you too late for this September and you don't fancy a year-and-a-half engagement, so you decide a spring wedding is just as good. However, you realise you'd quite like to lose half your body weight before you squeeze into a big white dress and therefore need all the time you can get, so you opt for the end of May. That's still spring, right? Less chance of rain too, hopefully.

Note: It never occurs to you until later to suggest a date that holds special meaning to you, or one that sounds clever: eg 12.12.12. You irrationally wonder if your date is a bit rubbish.

The big details 
First, the venue. You realise that nine out of ten venues are either unsuitable or naff. And the one you really want is twice your budget (and this is before you realise your initial budget estimate is woefully low). You come to terms with the fact that compromises have to be made. Besides, even if you could afford the one you really wanted, you realise while trawling wedding blogs later on in the planning process that you really wish you were getting married in a barn / museum / lighthouse. This is your first real moment of wedding envy. Don't worry, there'll be plenty more where that came from.

Next, the dress. I won't dwell too long on the dress because a) I've devoted several blog posts to it already and b) it's deeply different and personal to every bride. All I can say is don't rush it. If you're anything like me and hadn't spent much time looking at wedding dresses before you got engaged, then take your time. The styles you like initially will probably change as your wedding planning progresses a bit further. And, even if you do buy one you absolutely adore with every fibre of your being, you will still lie awake at night wondering if you made the right decision.  

The little details 
Nothing can prepare you for the time, deliberation and doubt that accompanies the little details. From colour scheme, to bridesmaid dresses, to jewellery, make-up and hair, not to mention stationery, centrepieces and flowers. And favours. And music. And activity packs for all the children that you got guilted into inviting. You will learn to hate these details, and yet be delighted when you find the absolutely perfect thing. You will simultaneously realise that NOBODY ELSE CARES, while also knowing that you won't rest until you've got it absolutely right. You care, even if no one else does.

The conversations 
You start out trying not to be that person: you know, the girl who gets engaged and then talks of nothing else for a year. You know your friends and family have their own stuff going on, and of course you still care about that. But it gets increasingly hard not to bring every conversation back to the topic of the wedding. Can you help it that almost everything reminds you of one wedding detail or another?

The boredom 
That said, it's not all ooh-ing over mood boards and mantilla veils. Yep, it eventually gets boring planning your big day. Sometimes you reach a self-inflicted saturation point, and feel like blowing a raspberry at the next person who asks: "How's the wedding planning going?" It can last a day or a couple of months, but trust me there will be times when you feel like enough is enough.

The budget
To paraphrase Douglas Adams: I love our wedding budget. I like the whooshing sound it makes as it flies by. You start off at the beginning with a figure in mind, which is rapidly adjusted upwards once you realise how a) how much wedding crap costs and b) you both have more friends and family than you realised, and therefore your intimate wedding of 50 is looking more like a shindig of 90-odd. But you figure that, once you've nailed down the cost of the big things – venue, food, music, dress, rings – you can do lots of DIY and eBaying to keep down the costs of the little things. Forget it. There is always something you've forgotten or underestimated. We are nine months in and still realising that. Take your number and add on at least 10% (and count yourself lucky if that's all you need).

When it all starts being real 
You spend weeks and months planning your wedding, and can see it all clearly in your mind – you have every last detail and decoration worked out perfectly. And then the real world kicks in. You see, this wedding is much, much bigger than just you and your H2B. It can be a shock when you realise that plenty of other people have a stake in it too. The distant cousins asking your dad when they should book flights, the assumptions from various corners over who's been invited (or not invited!), the requests to bring children from people you didn't think would even want to come in the first place. This is one of the most stressful realisations: you're not only planning a beautiful commitment between you and your other half, you're planning a whole event for dozens and dozens of people. Mare!

The nerves 
These kick in at random moments, usually when the flurry of details big and small recede for a while and you stare face-on at the reality of the wedding day itself. You picture it: just you, gripping onto your dad's arm, about to enter a church full of people all ready to turn and stare. The butterflies start up in your belly and you quickly grab the laptop and start comparison shopping flower girl dresses. No point in dwelling on the scary stuff until you really, really have to…  

The big build-up 
You sometimes feel like you'll never get there, but there will come a time when you realise that pretty much all the details are either sorted or decided on, and the countdown to the big day begins. Sure, there are favours to put together, a table plan to write and so on, but it's all nailed down in your to-do list.

This wedding is coming… And you can't quite imagine what it will be like when it's all over and done with.

Dress 3.0

It was just over a week ago that I wrote about my recent stresses over dieting and 'The Dress'.

No change with the diet situation – it's going great. I've lost a few more pounds since then and, alongside two-mile walks every lunchbreak (and longer walks on weekends), I've just started a zumba class.

That nearly killed me. I've tried zumba on Nintendo Wii before, and it's great. But it doesn't prepare you for the insanity of a hyperactive Louis Spence-style instructor and the feeling that you're going to vomit in front of a packed gym studio through sheer physical exhaustion!

Actually, it was brilliant, and – despite the 'oof!'s, 'ouch!'es and aches since – I'll be glad to go back for more next week.

So, no, this update has nothing to do with the diet, but everything to do with the dress.

Having mentally ditched the first dress I bought, I had Plan B all set up: an elegant 'princess' style number in tulle from a well-rated Chinese company. A lovely dress, for sure, and only £130 (plus taxes) – but also another risk, as it involved ordering something I'd never tried on and would likely have to pay someone to adjust.

But I was willing to go for it, knowing that my budget was tight and wouldn't allow me to go down the bridal shop route – plus any bridal shop owner would shoo me out of the door once they heard I have just three months and three weeks until the big day!

However, that was until I saw The Dress. Oh, man, did I ever see The Dress! Light ivory silk, sweetheart neckline with off-the-shoulder cap sleeves, nipped in with a gathered sash at the waist, finished off with a flowing, pleated full-length skirt – a classic early 1960s silhouette and style.

Of course, this dress, I rapidly discovered, costs the best part of £2,000 – and is only stocked in places that require a plane journey. I discovered this after a mad moment of insanity when I emailed the designer personally, 'just in case'. Lovely lady, she replied the same day and gave me a much-needed jolt of reality.

Still, I couldn't get that gorgeous dress out of my head. That was the kind of dress I was supposed to wear on my wedding day. I could see it would flatter my shape beautifully, and – hooray! – it would also complement the vaguely Mad Men theme of the wedding.

So what to do? Well, after a couple of days – and nights – fretting about it, I finally remembered an online forum poster who had recommended a company that made bespoke wedding dresses at, allegedly, an affordable price.

So that got me thinking... I didn't want an outright copy of the dress – that didn't sit comfortably. And actually there were elements about the dress that I would have preferred not to have, such as a diamanté buckle attached to the sash and fabric bows attached to the cap sleeves.

So I decided that I could use the dress as inspiration and sketch out a design that worked for me, and see if this company could a) make it at a price I could afford and b) make it in three months.

And to cut a long story a teeny bit shorter, yes they can! It's tight on both fronts: it's completely killed our budget and has meant we're now saving absolutely every spare bit of cash right up to the big day – and it'll be ready barely two weeks before we get married.

But, actually, it's the best wedding decision I've made so far. Meeting with a proper dressmaker, having proper fittings, and generally feeling secure in the fact that someone who cares about what they do is taking charge of one of the most important aspects of the day – well, it's worth every single penny. I now have no more doubts about how I'll look and how I'll feel. I cannot wait to see it and wear it – and feel amazing.

In other words: Woo hooooo!!! :D

My sketch of The Dress!

My, my, my ... dahlia!

I'm pretty clueless about flowers.

I've killed all but one plant I've ever owned, and that's only because it actually thrives when I forget to water it (most of the time).

But, in the same way I'm building skills in becoming a master wedding planner, ha ha, I'm also getting to know a reasonable amount about wedding flowers.

After lots of reading wedding blogs, and nearly 30 Pinterest pins later, and I think I've worked out what I'd like – namely, a hand-tied bouquet of dahlias, peonies and roses, in beach, blush and coral shades. Something similar to this, but a bit more blush rather than yellow tones (and maybe a bit less greenery):

For someone who, six months ago, wouldn't have known a ranunculus from a radish, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself!  

Edit: Oops, clearly I don't know as much as I thought, since I was sure there were peonies in the above piccie, but I've since been reliably informed that they are in fact ranunculuses (ranunculi?). So perhaps I don't know a ranunculus from a radish after all! (Though thankfully we're paying someone to know all that for us!)

That said, my new appreciation for all things floral has meant we've had to increase our flower spend a little. I've decided on a bouquet for me, smaller ones in ivory/white for the four bridesmaids and our flowergirl, plus buttonholes for H2B and his groomsmen. 

Our original pencilled-in 'how much are flowers anyway?' budget of £100 has now more than doubled – eek! But we've found a fantastic florist who came highly recommended, and hopefully the flowers will be worth every penny, for the amazing piccies if nothing else.

Say 'cheese'!

Speaking of pics, we confirmed our photographer last week, and I'm just as excited about that. She's a very clever young lady who does photography in her spare time alongside her day job of being a talented photo editor. 

We didn't want the usual traditional, dare I say cheesy photos for our wedding (and certainly nothing like these beauties) – rather mainly reportage-style pictures of those magical moments.

Lucky for us, I knew just the girl for the job. She is an amazing photographer, who's photographed oodles of cool musicians, and the odd actor and supermodel. (Wow, just wow.) I can't wait to see how our pictures turn out.

The dreaded D words

Are you there reader? It's me, panicked bride...

It's been a while since my last confession. Christmas happened, of course, so that proved a slight distraction. And January has been flying by. Time for a little update.

The big issues of the moment are Diet and Dress stress. I'd get a cup of tea if I were you. This may take a while....

A bit less jiggle in my wiggle
Like many brides-to-be blessed with some junk in the trunk, my wedding diet has had some ups and downs.

Christmas was a killer, as always. My good intentions abandoned me entirely, and I didn't come back to my senses until seven (seven!!!) pounds later. New year's day, I headed back onto the righteous path of healthy eating and haven't stopped since. Three weeks later, I've just about clawed myself back to the same weight I was pre-Christmas (20 pounds lost in total - woo hoo!) but that hasn't stopped plenty of panicking about the fact that I'm way behind my original goal of losing a total of three to four stone by the end of May.

In fact, up to now I've been too scared to work out what my new weight target should realistically be. Right, time to be brave, so here goes....

Ha! If only... (assuming that's pounds not kilos!)

Okay ... *brings up Calculator and Calendar apps*  ... from today I have just over 18 weeks until I get married. Based on an optimistic-but-not-impossible 1.5 pounds a week, that's 25 pounds. A total of 45 pounds lost would be 3.2 stone.

Actually, that's not as bad as I thought! I know 1.5 pounds a week will be hard going, though. It's been my average weekly weight loss so far while dieting, but I can imagine there'll be times when my body, brain and/or chocolate cravings refuse to co-operate. Still, better to try and fail than not try at all!

The big dress dilemma (part 2)

Ok, so I wrote back in July about my worries about The Dress. My budget is small, and so I quickly ruled out the traditional bridal shop experience. I decided my choices were either ordering from the States to try and get a designer dress for around half the price, or order from a UK eBay seller that I could (hopefully) trust.

Both options had the same risk, more or less: buying a dress I'd never tried on. I showed pics of both dresses to lots of people, and overall the eBay one seemed like the best bet. After checking with previous customers, getting swatches and so on, I put the order in, and two months later my dress arrived.

It looked lovely: exactly what I'd asked for. I tried it on, knowing it wouldn't fit – I'd ordered the thing two dress sizes smaller. However, even with that in mind, I quickly realised that it might not fit me even if I hit my weight loss goals. I have quite a long torso, and the bodice on the dress just didn't sit right around my arms and bust, even allowing for the extra curves at the time! I even got my size 8 sister to try it on and it sat funny on her as well.

That said, I'm sure it's not completely impossible to take the dress to a dressmaker once I'm a bit closer to my slimming goal and get them to work their magic on it. I'm not sure how they can lengthen the straps, but I do have some spare material (from the awful bolero jacket I asked the eBay seller to make, to match the dress – it didn't turn out well).

That's not my main problem, however. Since I bought the dress, our Mad Men/1960s theme has really taken shape. There's the bridesmaid dresses, which I've linked to before:

I've designed our stationery using typefaces used during the period, and I've booked The Vintage Salon in Birmingham to create '60s-inspired styles for me and the bridesmaids. The men will be wearing smart, modern grey suits, and overall it should look pretty darn cool.

By comparison, I fear the dress will look a bit, well, crap. It's light champagne in colour, in beaded lace. And the shape, while definitely classic, couldn't really be called 1960s. It's still a lovely dress. But I'm worried I won't feel as special as all the other details I've spent so much time over.

So what to do? Well, I have a plan. I'm going to keep on my dieting path and try on the dress in March to see how it's fitting and whether I'm happier with it. It not, well then it's onto Plan B.

And what's Plan B? Well, it's to order the exact opposite kind of dress I thought I wanted. Crazy, huh?

You see, being in my mid-30s, one of my first thoughts as an engaged lady was that I didn't want to go too OTT bridal. In fact, I'm sure I rambled on about that in one of my first posts.

Well, since then I've kind of had a rethink: namely, you only do this once (I truly hope!) so why not embrace it? That thought coincided with me spotting this dress:

Okay, so it's not 100% 1960s in style (I don't have the ankles for a proper Audrey Hepburn number). But it's definitely more in keeping with the era, and I think it could look lovely next to my bridesmaids' dresses. Assuming, of course, it looks lovely on me... And – bonus – even with import taxes it'll be under £200.

The bad news is that it's the same old gamble: buying a dress I've never tried on. In fact, I've never worn a dress that looks anything like this. So I've decided to do the bridal shop experience after all, if only to see if I would feel comfortable in such a bridal-y wedding dress – and to make sure I don't look like a toilet roll dolly. Assuming that goes well, I guess I'll take the gamble – again. At least I won't be too much out of pocket, whatever the outcome.

On that note, I think that's enough rambling for one update. I'll try to get back to more regular transmissions from now on. Only 18 weeks to go!!