The big guest list dilemma

There comes a point in a bride-to-be's planning whirlwind when the fun details of colour schemes and stationery must take a back seat.

As much as I'd prefer to ignore them, there are also the boring, fiddley details to work out. For us, that includes things like:

• giving notice at the registry office – and since we don't live in the town we're getting married in, that brings along a whole raft of extra faffy bits to figure out;
• participating in our church-organised wedding preparation class – probably best saved for another post, that one!; and
• agreeing on the guest list

Now, when I started on the road to planning this wedding, I didn't think the guest list would be a big deal. I do have a big extended family, but everyone knows we have a tight budget, and it didn't seem like we were under any pressure from either of our parents to make sure that Aunt Sue's cousin's uncle's long-lost brother had an invitation.

Surprisingly, the guest list pressure has come from two different sources:

1. Other family members who expressed surprise and concern when I mentioned that certain cousins weren't invited or certain family friends had been 'relegated' to the evening guest list (to make room for those cousins!); and
2. Symmetry/being fair - in other words, when I realised that I couldn't invite a load of cousins from one side of the family and not invite at least some from the other side (even though I'm barely in touch with them). Or when I realised that it would be tricky to invite one cousin and not invite their siblings (again, even though I hardly see them).

Of course, the sensible, pre-bride-to-be person that I was would say "Pfft!" to both points. Just invite who you want. And it's sensible advice.

But in reality I don't want this wedding to create any family discord – in fact, I'd love to be able to reconnect with parts of the family that I've lost touch with. And what better way to do that than a joyful occasion such as a wedding?

But guests cost money, as anyone planning a wedding knows. For every extra person we invite beyond our original budget, it costs us at least £55. Multiply that by all my cousins and, well, the budget starts looking more like wishful thinking than sensible projection.

Ignorance is bliss (while it lasts)

When we first got engaged, me and my H2B had quite different ideas on what it would cost. He thought around £5,000 would do it; I thought it would be more like £7,000. Then we started pricing up venues and realised that we'd be lucky to do it for less than £8,000 all in. That was based on around 70-80 day guests and maybe 10-20 evening guests.

We were lucky with our venue, however: it's just the kind of place I was hoping for (an elegant hotel) but somehow doesn't cost the earth. It was one of only two places that I found in our budget in the local area, and the other one has a reputation for keeping its guests awake with loud discos in the downstairs bar until 3am. Not so great for my 70-year-old dad!

But even with getting a reasonable rate on a lovely venue, with the guest list creeping up and up, our budget has crept up too, so now we're looking at around £9,000. That's almost guaranteed to put us in a small amount of debt, which we were both hoping to avoid.

That all said, however, I do keep reminding myself that we'll only do this once. It really will be worth it if we can pull off a brilliant day and night, and in the process generate a stack of fantastic memories as well as become a bit closer to both our families.

I will still need to run yet another rule over the guest list before the invitations go out, just in case there are any other 'savings' I can make. (And that's after having done so several times already!) Hopefully I can avoid putting too many noses out of joint in the process...

The big dress dilemma

Forget my last post about not panicking. I was clearly under a state of denial.

Yesterday I had my first full-blown wedding panic attack. Well, okay, not an actual panic attack. But an attack of panic. And stress and upset.

It sounds ridiculous now, even to me, but I got in a tizz about the dress. The wedding is 10 months away, so I know I have ages to sort it out. Plus I'm trying to diet (8 pounds lost so far - yay!), so I wasn't planning to go to bridal shops or try anything on until October. But I'm also on a tight budget: I'm hoping to get something for around £300, which I know may not be easy, so I've been looking online. A lot.

As a result, I've discovered that I don't like 95% of wedding gowns. Well, alright, lots of them are exquisite, but I've dismissed them because I'm not a 5'10" size 8 goddess. I know my shape (kind of rectangular, apparently) and fortunately the style of dress I prefer - mermaid - suits it, ie fakes me a waist.

I've also discovered that I have quite expensive tastes. I don't like shiny satin or pouffy netting. I like lace. And lace ain't cheap. I also don't want a strapless dress, mainly because most dresses are, which puts me off a bit, and also because the wedding details so far have emerged (without any engineering by me) as quite '60s in style, so I wanted something a bit vintage-y. And vintage-y usually equals expensive-y.

So imagine my surprise and delight when I discovered a mermaid-style beaded lace wedding dress within my budget. Actually, £50 below my budget. It's on eBay, which did set alarm bells ringing. But the seller is a UK-based dressmaker with a proper website, including customer pics and testimonials. And I emailed her past eBay buyers who'd left feedback and I've had 100% positive responses. So all was looking good.

Until I got into the nitty-gritty of the dress's fabric and beading (I asked for samples, photos, descriptions). And to cut a long story short, I'm now worried that the final finish of the dress won't look as good as the pictures suggest. Cue the attack of panic.

To top it all off, one of my bridesmaids emailed me about a pair of shoes she'd like to wear for the wedding (we're paying for the dresses but the girls are sorting their accessories). The shoes are lovely: silver satin peep-toes, £110. I emailed back saying they were gorgeous and to go for it.

And then I felt even more awful. It took me a few hours to figure out why, and then it hit me. There I was fretting over a £250 dress and taking a gamble over the quality and so on, when my bridesmaids were picking out fabulous shoes that cost nearly half as much. My own bridal shoes probably won't cost 50 quid! So I added a load of self-pity onto the panic.

And that wasn't actually the worst part. Okay, so I wrote off a weekend with worry, fretting and gloom. But today I discussed my concerns with the dressmaker and she is happy to make some adjustments to the beading, swapping out the cheaper sequins for more expensive crystals. (I'll have to pay a bit extra, but I don't mind that.)

No, the worst part is that, during my weekend of panic, I went and looked at a whole load of other wedding dresses. And I found myself a different one. This dress is from a 'proper' bridal gown designer, is also mermaid style, taffeta with lace appliqué, and a very '60s neckline (sweetheart with slightly off-the-shoulder straps). However, it's only available in the US and, after import duties and such like, would be double my budget!

However, it is gorgeous and of course is on a fabulous looking model (who probably weighs the same as my left leg!), whereas the eBay one is pictured on a dressmaker's dummy, so just doesn't have the same appeal by comparison. The dress that I was over-the-moon excited about last week, now looks just a slight bit mumsy. Mumsy! Who wants to look mumsy on their wedding day?!!

So now I'm stuck. Do I order the eBay one anyway, and hope for the best? Or do I bust my budget and splash out on the other one (which is also a gamble in itself, as I can't try it on or see before I buy either)? Or do I forget them both, and go down the old-fashioned route of bridal-shop shopping?

And this from a grown woman who lives in jeans and trainers. I'm not sure I can take 10 months of this!!!

The insanity of co-ordination

Forgive me reader, it's been nearly a month since my last confession...

Alas, I fell into my predicted teenage diary trap and pushed this blog to the back of my to-do list for a few weeks. I did move house during that time, however, so I'm not going to feel too guilty.

In fact, moving house was great, as it meant I could channel all my comparison shopping/online research urges into more practical and/or immediate things, like curtains, cushions and kitchen bins. Two weeks in the new place, and we're pretty much sorted. Plus, I figure if I* can turn a studenty, tired-looking flat into a cosy-yet-sophisticated home for two in that amount of time, a wedding will be a cinch, right?

* Okay, H2B, aka Dave, had something to do with it, but that was mostly along the lines of installing a working smoke alarm and putting flatpack furniture together. I consider myself a feminist of sorts, but you gotta play to your strengths!

So, yes, back to the wedding, and to the title of this blog post... I had a colour scheme in mind pretty soon after I started my burning-the-midnight-oil web research, namely: teal, gold and ivory. Well, I kind of stole it from a blog poster on one of the many forums I dip in and out of (so far always a lurker, never a poster).

It wasn't a complete theft: I already knew I wanted teal (my fave colour for years) but didn't know what to pair it with, and this seemed pretty nice. However, a little gremlin in my head (let's call him Co-ordi-Nathan) started whispering that my engagement ring is in white gold, not yellow gold, so that wouldn't really go. A sane person would roll their eyes and point out that a tiny thing like that shouldn't be a worry. So I dismissed it and carried on looking at teal bridesmaid dresses (comparing in great detail the exact shade of teal in each range, I kid you not!) and pondering how to bring in the gold aspect.

Anyway, we went to see the wedding reception venue a few weeks ago – an elegant but not OTT (ie tacky or snooty) independently run hotel. Just the kind of place I'd been hoping for – and within our budget. The room where we're having our do is lovely, plus the neutral walls and floors weren't troubling Co-ordi-Nathan one bit. However, I also wanted to get a good look at the chairs, as I was trying to decide whether to bother with the expense of covering them. The chairs are lovely too actually: upholstered in very dark blue-almost-black material, with matte silver metal legs and trim.

I decided that covering the chairs was an unnecessary expense. Great, that's about £300 saved, I thought! But then that pesky gremlin started fretting about the gold in my colour scheme clashing with the silver chairs. Plus, going with silver would mean my engagement ring would match. And maybe dark navy would go nicer with silver than teal...

So, yes, it's official: my new colour scheme is dark navy† and silver. I am matching my bridesmaids' outfits with the reception venue chairs. Chairs!! Have I reached a new level of wedding insanity?

† Well, I'm calling it midnight blue. Navy sounds like school uniforms...