A reluctant Bridezilla...

Well, didn't I have a nice little vent on my first post on this blog? Actually, my first ever post on any blog.

I read it back today and thought, "gosh, you sound like a right moany cow". I guess that's what sleeplessness does to you. The venting helped, though: for the first evening in too long I didn't bring the laptop to bed (or keep it within easy reach for when my better half drifted off to sleep). I was out like a light before midnight. Zzz...

Anyway, back to my moaning. I suppose what I was complaining about – researching the hell out of delectable dresses, gorgeous jewellery, sumptuous stationery and so on – might be heaven to some people. I know this because a part of me does find it heavenly. (Why else would I keep myself awake with it all?)

It's more the fact that I've never been someone who thought much about weddings before (other than hoping, as a guest, that the speeches were short and the drinks free). I've known for ages that I want to get married to my other half, but that was more about moving our relationship forward. It was never about the pouffy dress or the blingy ring.

I'm also not what you'd call a girly girl. I'm not really what you'd call a girl, in fact. I mean, I am female, don't get me wrong. I'm just a sometimes world-weary, mid-30s woman now, so I guess the 'princess' mentality has long disappeared, along with the Sindy dolls and My Little Ponies. Or so I thought......

Once that lovely little ring was popped on my finger, it all changed. It took a few days to really kick in, if I'm honest. I was too busy grinning like a loon and glancing down at my left hand 20 times a minute. But once the scale of the task ahead became clear, I was lost. First the fear: How will we pay for all this? Will anyone come? What if I can't lose the weight in time and he has to roll me down the aisle? And then the research. The never-ending research...

So, yes, my sudden unbridled obsession with all things weddingy has come as a bit of a shock. It's taken my new fiancé by surprise too. In fact, he had the temerity to utter the word "Bridezilla" today. Bridezilla?!!!?! How very dare he?!

But, as I said, the venting has helped me chill out a little about it all. Plus we made a provisional booking today at the reception venue. Ooh, where's my 'to do' list when I need it? I feel a big tick coming on... :)

I said yes to marriage, not to insomnia!

So it's been nearly three weeks since he proposed. Woo, horray! and all that jazz.

And before I go on, I don't mean to complain. I am genuinely thrilled that him indoors has finally done the deed and "will make an honest woman out of you at last" as one cheeky so-called friend quipped. I suppose he has a point – me and my mister have been together for the best part of a decade.

The lovely ring I expected (like I said, the best part of a decade. You wait that long for a diamond, you've earned it), along with the excitement, the congratulations, the friends pressing me for all the details, the family dropping hints about who they think we should invite, etc etc... I was mostly prepared for it all.

And I knew this thing would involve plenty of thought and organisation along the way to make the big day happen. That's cool. I'm the queen of the spreadsheet and I like (almost) nothing better than ticking off a well-made 'to do' list.

But what I really didn't expect was the sleepless nights. And not from engagement-induced passion by the way! No, the sleeplessness has been caused by my wedding-addled brain keeping me awake into the wee hours, urging me to scour website after website for, well, every darn aspect of the day.

So while he lies there gently snoring, I've been hunched over the laptop in the dark, feverishly clicking, linking and bookmarking until 2, 3, 4am. Every. Single. Night.

We're talking venues (hours and hours of venues), bands, wedding dresses, table decorations, flowers, favours, tiaras, chair covers, stationery, cakes, shoes, hair styles, themes, colours, and this week – just to add a new layer of wedding madness – photo booths, sweetie tables and gospel choirs (!!)

So, after several hours of that each night, I'm either too exhausted to talk about any of it with him the next day – or I've hit my second wind and instead have to restrain myself from dropping a carpet bomb of wedding details all over him.

I hope I'm not alone in this engaged-lady lunacy (a look at some of the more exciteable wedding forum posters makes me think I'm probably not), but either way I hope it's not going to be like this until we walk down the aisle. Maybe once we've booked the venue and the church (hopefully tomorrow) my brain can take it down a notch.

In the meantime, I have a stack of bridesmaid dress bookmarks and I'm not afraid to use 'em....